And then Came Panic Attacks:
Depression and the Ramifications of High Conflict Divorce
My day started in a typically crazy fashion in my new role as a single parent. It had been a little over a month since my wife of over 20 years had left the kids and me for a married man. My life had been radically changed and it was difficult to keep my footing on the very rough terrain I now found myself on. I was highly conscious of my struggles, but I had no idea my mind and body would rebel against me in such a sudden and absolute way.
I had just dropped the kids to school and was heading to the office when I started to feel my heart begin to race. As I looked out of the car window my vision began to narrow and almost instantly I saw everything in tunnel vision. I didn’t know what was happening to me and it was all I could do to pull into the nearest parking lot.
My vision all but gone, my chest was tight and it felt as if I was in a vice and I couldn’t catch my breath. My heart was in my throat and sweat was pouring down my face. The thought, “I am having a heart attack; I am going to die,” kept running through my head.
It may have been five minutes or it might have been 25. Sense of time and space was gone. As I attempted to slow my breathing I thought to call 911. I couldn’t see so I felt around the car to find my phone and this seemed to make the confusion I was feeling worse. It was as if someone was screaming at me at the top of their lungs, but I couldn’t hear a sound.
“I am too young to die. This happens to other people not me. My kids need me. Come on Pat, you can do this; slow it down; breath Pat breath. You got this.”
Slowly, I began to catch my breath. I was soaked with sweat as the blur faded and my sight returned. I looked in the rear view mirror in disbelief. The grey green person staring back at me was someone I had never seen before.
This was my first of many experiences with the terror known as a panic attack. Regardless of how “together” you think you are, when put under a mountain of pressure and you do not have an avenue to release that pressure, eventually something is going to snap. Depression and panic attacks can happen to anyone, no matter how strong you think you are.
The time leading into this life event was complete hell. My kids were going through a very rough time and their flight attendant mother was now flying around the globe with her new love, a married pilot she worked with. I was doing my best to keep my children upright but they were only kids and could not understand how this could happen to them, and I was at a loss to explain things I myself could not comprehend.
I had always been a fun loving happy person and was prone to smile my way through the days. That was now all changed. I was doing my best to keep my life together, but sleep was often impossible and the basics of kids, work and home were now overwhelming. I had a constant feeling that I couldn’t keep my head above water. I was drowning and had no way of reaching the shore.
After pulling myself together that morning, I went to the clinic to get checked. Having never experienced anything like that and not being fully aware of what a panic attack was; I needed some answers. I checked in and the nurse took my blood pressure twice just to confirm what she was seeing. She led me to the examination room where I nervously waited.
The doctor was a woman I had never met before. She immediately noted that my blood pressure was extremely elevated and I had lost considerable weight since my last visit to the clinic. She asked me what was going on.
I did not pull any punches. I was scared and although telling a complete stranger about my family situation was not easy, I knew I needed help. I was brought to tears as I told the doctor about my wife and children, the impending divorce and about my terrifying incident that morning. She was kind and patient and really took the time to listen. My blood pressure was alarming, so she prescribed something to get it down to a normal level. She made an appointment for me to see a heart specialist the following day. She then told me something I did not expect to hear.
“Mr. O’Brian, I think you are suffering from depression. The incident this morning sounds like you had a panic attack. Anti depressants may be in order.”
“I am so busy Doctor and I have to take care of my kids. I think anti-depressants will put me in a fog. I am already having a hard time with concentration. Is there something you can give me that I can take in case the panic attack hits again? Something that won’t make me feel like a zombie?”
“I understand your situation. I will give you something for the panic attacks but only take it as needed.”
I didn’t want to admit that I was depressed. The life I once knew, the life I loved, was now gone and I had to deal with the fact that it was never coming back. My poor children were 15, 13 and 8 at the time.
If you have never experienced a panic attack, it is a complete meltdown of your consciousness. I would equate it to a system overload that causes a computer (your brain) to crash.
Over the next two plus years I came to realize how truly fragile my mental health was. The panic attacks would hit at any time; while I was preparing dinner, driving, working or dealing with the kids. The worst panic attack by far would hit when I was sleeping. I would wake up in terror, my chest constricted as if I were lying under a 400-pound anvil. My pillow would be soaked in sweat. Those attacks were the most difficult to pull myself out of because I was so disoriented having just woken up.
Taking on Depression
Depression is something that can happen to anyone. It does not matter how strong or positive a person you have been. When a life-changing event happens and you are suddenly overwhelmed; no one is immune to depression.
Facing the fact that you are not super human and are depressed is a start to your recovery. There are things you can do that will get you through this very dark time in you life:
Find a therapist you connect with. In my area, seeing a psychologist is still stigmatized; do not let that deter you. A professional can help you understand your feelings and emotions and will assist you in navigating this life event.
In my case, I had two teenagers and an eight year old to think about. My therapist really helped me in my approach to being a single parent. The hardest part of being a single parent for me was the fact that I no longer had anyone to bounce things off of. I didn’t have my wife to turn to when my daughter was crying every night or when my youngest son was suddenly failing all his classes.
Exercise. I cannot express to you strongly enough; exercise is medicine. The benefits of working out are well documented. Your body releases endorphins when you exercise, which helps your brain cope with the many stresses you now face. It will help you sleep better and in turn you will have a clearer mind.
If you have never exercised it will be hard to start at a time in your life that is exceedingly difficult, but you should try. You do not need to go to a gym or fitness center. Just take a brisk walk for 20 to 30 minutes three or four times a week. If you live in an area where there are woods to walk through or a beach to walk on, get out there and be close to Mother Nature. There is something profoundly therapeutic being amongst the trees or near the ocean.
Meditate. This can be difficult, but it is a worthy task to attempt. Learn to slow your mind and concentrate on the now. There are some great guided meditations you will find on YouTube. It will not be easy at first, but keep at this worthwhile endeavor and you will eventually find peace.
Talk with friends and family. Venting out your frustrations to someone that cares for you and is willing to listen will help you maintain your sanity. Keeping things all bottled up inside is something to avoid. If you are alone and don’t have anyone to turn to, there are a plethora of online sites or chats that you can join. There are groups specifically for divorce, loss of a parent or a child. There are groups to help people that have had a catastrophic or debilitating health problem such as cancer. The point here is that there is help out there. Seek out that help and live life to it fullest.
Be thankful. This is one thing I think everyone that goes through any life-changing event can forget; you must be thankful for the many gifts you have. Know that there is more goodness and beauty in this world than you can ever experience. Make it a point to see the beauty that surrounds you every day.
Give something back. There is someone out there that needs you. Make it a point to seek out that individual and make their life that much brighter for having known you. Try to bring a little joy to someone that has forgotten how to laugh or smile. Breathe life into the person that may not want to live anymore. Let them know there is a reason to live. You will not have to look far to find someone in a worse state than you are now in. Help them and you will feel better for having done it.
You have come to a crossroads in your life. You may not want a new life, or a change in your circumstance, but you got one, so make the best of it. For every door that closes a new one opens, so keep going and find your door.
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” ~Confucius
